Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
