New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
