I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I supernannyed him into submission
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
