Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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