Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
