this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
