There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
