I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
