you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
