Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
