ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
