You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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