If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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