mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
