I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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