dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
