Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
