I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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