How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My vagina is very pro this idea
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
