I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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