Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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