I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
