just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
They have beer where we have blood.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
