My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
