Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
