The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
