Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
