I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
