I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
