Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
