My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
