My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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