yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
