I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
