you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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