It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
