FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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