dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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