i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
