I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
