Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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