I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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