woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
