I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
