Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
