Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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