She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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