Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
