Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
