Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
