My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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