I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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