If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
