I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
