these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
